*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
August 8
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.