@michaelianblack: Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
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@MattMcElaney: Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
@Mr_Kapowski: Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.
@DanMentos: "There's Dave" Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he's a hotdog and "f" is a vowel? [cut to Dave writing in a book titled "Diary of an frank"]
@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.