Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.