@zachreinert03: finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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@Ristolable: You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Tell me about yourself" *flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests* I'm a risk taker
@kwirkyKerri: Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does