finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes