My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I hope they boil the right one.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.