Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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I love it all
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*checks Timeline*…
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.