[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
You Might Also Like
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Buck naked
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.