No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
You Might Also Like
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best