Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.