Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
my professor scared me for a second
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.