Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af