@donni: Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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@TheMichaelRock: Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don't have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
@aveuaskew: I'm supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
@myles_morrison: Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.
@partlyfunny: My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.