Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The A string on my guit_r is flat
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!