FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.