Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Can’t stop laughing
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn