I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.