FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
giddy up Office Depot