My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.