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@rob1792: Financial status: Googling "sell kidney"
@calamitydaisy: I'm losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.
@TheMichaelRock: A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
@GuyThe_Guy: I pooped in 8 stores today.
2 of them had restrooms.
@LucyLouMcB: You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let's do it; I've already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so....
@NickSchug: If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like "whatever this person seems exhausting."