Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
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Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip