Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.