brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor