FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?