Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Tony Hawk, age 6
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?