Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!