@TattedChanel: 'Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ' lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That’d wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
@lecalabara: My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
@withanewname: "Doc, my boyfriend & I don't wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn't working." "What kind are you using?" "Grape"
@MarkAgee: People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse