Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
You Might Also Like
Yoga Matt
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*