Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
the official breakfast of 2021
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?