@mellimelle: Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you'll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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@thenatewolf: GOD: Make humans super super awake when it's time to go to bed, and super super tired when it's time to wake up. GOD'S ASSISTANT: Did you... Did you mean that the other way around? GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Did you lock the backdoor?" Me: "Yes I did." Burglar from downstairs: "No he didn't!"
@Cpin42: HER: Whisper in my ear ME: [softly] We're cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
@BuckyIsotope: Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch an ounce of ganja Jack lit up and took a puff And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.