Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
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Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
This was the best day of my life
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.