Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
going to the ER y’all need anything
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.