Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
(Electricians.)
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Finally, a door that understands me
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
pep talk