@jwoodham: Find a way to dress up as "accidentally liking someone's Facebook picture from 2 years ago" and really scare people this Halloween.
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@gwatts77: If I donate blood and you're in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don't blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
@NervousJr: When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams.
@thesulk: "I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losin' control." Buddy, you got stomach flu.