Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.