Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
“you recording!?”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.