5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My new favorite headline
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.