Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Snapes on a plane.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!