You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Lmao
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.