Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds