@SarcasticAlly12: Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don't have to share that
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@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@Brianhopecomedy: 100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada. 8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
@radtoria: I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
@Donna_McCoy: The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.