Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone