@SarcasticAlly12: Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don't have to share that
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@ThePocketJustin: Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
@Underchilde: I know I should be searching for my missing friend, but there’s a lot of food in his apartment that’ll spoil if I don’t eat it.
@CollegeHumorLol: When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, "Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom".
@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.