Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Body by cheese-puffs.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
A bold strategy
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”