Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.