@thetigersez: Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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@ch000ch: ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight? HER: no not yet!! i'm totally free and available ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
@TEXASVETERAN: My dad annoyed my mom calling her "Mother of 7" until the day she called him "Father of 4".
@internetluke: [calls up friend] Remember when you said I wouldn't ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news! "Okay, but why are you calling from jail?"
@GlennHowerton: Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I'm not allowed to go out on St. Paddy's Day anymore. It's too much.