[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
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Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.