Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)