Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.