Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”