@Buttija: Finding Nemo. Grilling Nemo. Eating Nemo.
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@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn't give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
@jonnysun: LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: "I Did The Murder." JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed