Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.