Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
every college guy’s fridge
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”