*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster