*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*aggressively waits in line*
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!