*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
A game married people play.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.