*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
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Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My wedding will be open casket.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
buys donuts instead
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.