*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
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me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
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