Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.